Real Faux Finishing for Fake Housewives

I’m going to diverge here and begin this with a television show. But not just any show. I’m talking about that guilty pleasure-The Real Housewives franchise! There is nothing better then watching this trash-talking train wreck of social climbers socialites with a nice glass of wine to forget about work, politics, and world issues. After watching this Petri Dish of Dysfunction and Arrested High School Development, I feel more satisfied with my own normal life (although I do envy the shoes).

I know I am not alone in my passion. Many women (and men) that shop at Surfaces have revealed their weekly addiction with lively discussions on the backstabbing! The hypocrisy! The nails! The hair! The lack of income sources! So I thought, “What real finishes would I do for a fake housewife?”

(Photo: Bravo TV)

It seems right to begin with the “old ladies” of the series-those sun-kissed, heavily bedazzled, and anatomically enhanced Orange County wives. And who better then Tamara, that self-proclaimed “hottest OC Housewife,” to start our project. Poor Tamara. Even a finger tattoo homage to her love for Simon could not keep her marriage from going down in flames. The dream home combusted in the bottoming California real-estate market Then her younger and blonder nemesis, Gretchen, found hot publicity love with (yak) Slade. Do you sense a theme? For her, I’ve created “Tamara’s Tempest”, a perfect finish for the new condo powder room or dining room ceiling

Step 1: Paint the surface a bright orange or brown based red. I used Leather Red Setcoat. Palette Deco may crack over a surface that is not well-sealed. Trowel a layer of Palette Deco Gold Straight Out of the Bucket (SOB). Palette Deco dries fast. Don’t over-load your trowel with product and apply in short strokes. Keep the trowel clean as you work using a Japan Scraper to scrape the blade. There should be graceful trowel lines and some of the base color may shadow through in areas.

Step 2: Apply some Mandarin Red Lusterstone over the dried Palette Deco Gold and smooth with your trowel. While the area of Mandarin Red is still wet, apply some more Palette Deco Gold, and gently soften the two products into each other. Hold the trowel at a slight angle to the wall (not flat and not on edge). Think marble drifts or clouds. If you blend the products too much you will get a weird pinky gold.

It is better to under-blend and leave the surface more choppy. The product dries fast so you can also come back and tight trowel more Lusterstone and/or Palette Deco to create a more blended effect. So-Slow may be added to both products for more open time but the overall layer will dry slower.



Step 3: Trowel on Copper Faux Metal. Faux Metal has real metal shavings so don’t thin with a water-based product. Blend the alcohol with the solids in the container before and during application. Faux Metal sets very slowly.

Take a damp cloth or piece of cheesecloth to soften the copper color and blend the edges. Apply the Faux Metal in connecting areas covering 80% of the finish being careful to not over-power the underneath layers. Let this area set over-night. The finish may be completed at this step. I like to roll or trowel a layer of Varnish Plus Gloss or Satin 100% over the finish to pop the layers.

So Tamara, when you are dining by candlelight with your former husband’s former friend, and searching for a catch phrase that will finally stick next season, your room will have just as much sizzle as your hopes and dreams.